I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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