I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I understand Curling. That high.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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