He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
