I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
