he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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