My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
