I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
