I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
