I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
