Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
