Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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