I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize