a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
