i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
