my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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