My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
