Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
