I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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