is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
