can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
