I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Randomize
