the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
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