you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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