She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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