I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
