I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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