after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
In other news, I just burned my penis
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
