Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
