Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize