I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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