Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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