Pants 0. Shit 1.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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