his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize