the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
apparently the secret to your success is patron
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
