does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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