She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
My boob is missing a layer of skin
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
