I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
