I am puke
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
