I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
