So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
