He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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