Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize