Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Randomize
