So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
