dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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