i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
