the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
