this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
