Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
