I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
