if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
