new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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