Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
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