Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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