Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize