Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
