My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
You're like the curious george of whores
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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