Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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