please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
