After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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